Queen of Swords: Looking for a Lobotomy

TV Series

To: M.W.I.C., senior editor, Crescent Blues

From: Desperate Assistant Editor

Subject: Request for Vacation

Dear M.W.I.C.,

I tried for two hours to write a review about Queen of Swords, a BKC (Butt Kickin’ Chick) version of Zorro. Now you know that normally a review only takes me 45 minutes to write — max! But this one gave me fits.

Do I start off by saying that the writing on Queen of Swords stinks like a pack of hounds doused by several irate skunks? Or do I compare Tessie Santiago’s acting in the title role to that of a boiled potato? (The potato wins hands down, by the way.) Maybe I should mention that Valentine Pelka’s Spanish accent makes him sound like the Frito Bandito on ‘ludes?

I suppose you will insist on a brief description of Queen of Swords. Tessa Alvarado (Santiago), a young aristocratic beauty, leaves Spain to return home to California, where she finds her father dead, her home stripped of all its valuables and the local population under the thumb of Colonel Luis Montoya (Pelka). The greedy and corrupt Montoya tramples on the peons, blackmails his closest advisors and speaks in wretched hyperbole while summarily executing anyone who happens to be standing around when the bad colonel gets his beard in a twist.

Informed of her destiny by her dead dad in a dream reinforced by her faithful gypsy maid’s tarot reading, Tessa wanders around the ruined casa until she manages to discover a hidden stash of gold and her mother’s lace mantilla. Armed with this bit of black lace Tessa makes an Important Discovery. Once the lace is over her eyes, she becomes Someone Else. Never mind that she doesn’t change her hair or her voice, much less her attitude.

Anyway, before you can say unhand that peasant, Tessa glues herself into a lowcut corset, shimmies into a pair of skintight pants, leaps upon the back of a spirited stallion and rides forth to fight for truth, justice and the right to get as many peasants killed for the cause as possible.

I, along with several thousand other Highlander: the Series fans, eagerly awaited David Abramowitz’s latest show. (Mainly for the episodes featuring Peter Wingfield, but I digress.) Unfortunately, after only 10 minutes of Queen of Swords I began praying that Pancho Villa and his gang would ride in and massacre the writers, producers, directors, costume designers, and the star of the show.

Pelka (despite the awful accent) and Wingfield (as Tessa’s love interest, Dr. Helm) do their level best, but even their efforts can’t lift this series out of the mud. Historical and costuming bloopers abound. The tarot cards used by the gypsy maid, resemble the Rider-Waite deck, which wasn’t published until 1900. And no Spanish lady worth her salt — or her delicate skin — would roam around in direct sunlight in little more than a chemise top and skirt.

Which brings us, my dear senior editor, to my request for vacation. If I can’t take time to recover from the turgid dialog, labored swordplay, and lack of chemistry between the Queen of Swords star and the rest of the cast I’ll need a lobotomy. Wait a minute. On second thought, the lobotomy isn’t a bad idea. I could watch Peter Wingfield without the urge to destroy the television set every time Tessa Santiago is on screen. Now if I can just find a copy of our medical plan…

Teri Smith

Raising hell for fifty years from Alaska to the Azores and all points in between, Teri Smith (nee Dohmen) was an Air Force brat who never stopped traveling. She was also a mother, a grandmother (of ten!), a help desk wizard, a financial assistant, acquisitions editor for Samhain Publishing and, most importantly, the Queen Nag of the Known Universe. A multi-published short story writer, her first novel, With Nine You Get Vanyr, written with Jean Marie Ward, was published in 2007. Contrary to common belief, she never stopped living.

Readers Respond

I happened to put in a search for the now defunct show The Queen of Swords. I came upon your website and Teri Smith’s commentary about the show and about Tessie Santiago. I think that her assessment was unfair. Her comments about Ms. Santiago were not really very nice at all. (Jealous, perhaps?) And, as for Valentine Pelka, I think he portraited the perfect villian. Teri Smith apparently likes the show entitled Highlander. Well, I have seen that show also and it is not exactly based on fact neither (LOL). I enjoyed the 22 episodes of The Queen of Swords and wish that there were more episodes. (However, the Zorro people messed that up!) I enjoyed The Queen of Swords for what it was. I expected a little bit of fantasy when I tuned in. I thought that all the actors did a fine job. Oh, and by the way, I did not notice that Ms. Smith said anything about the Captain of the Guard. (Ms. Smith probably thought he was “hot” — snicker, snicker.) Could it be that she doesn’t like Tessie because Tessie is not “beefcake”, but, instead is a very young and very attractive young lady — LOL???? Sometimes people are envious of what they are not. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm………..

G. Lynn C.
aliasavenger007

There was a captain of the guard? Really? Oh, he was one of the actors who wasn’t Peter Wingfield or Valentine Pelka. Never mind.

Editor

While I didn’t like the way the writers of the show did things now and then, I think it is in very poor taste the way you blasted the show. Especially the actors’ talents. Tessie Santiago is an excellent actress and probably the only one who could play this role. The series had great potential. And with guest appearances from such stars as David Carradine, Bo Derek, Elizabeth Gracen and others, it would have been great. The show would still be on if not for the legal antics of the long dead Zorro franchise who wanted to cash in on Queen of Swords. Not only did they not get any money from QoS, but they alienated many former fans of Zorro. A smart person would have just made more Zorro stuff and rode the coat tails of QoS. But thanks to greedy lawyers now there is nothing. And some new promising careers may falter because of it. Too bad some vigilantes like the Queen don’t live in today’s world.

“There is no justice in law.”

MES Jones