The Count of Monte Cristo: Superior Swashbuckling

Rated PG-13

When Edmond (Jim Caviezel) goes to prison on false charges of treason, his best buddy, Mondego (Guy Pearce) and his best girlfriend, Mercedes, (Dagmara Dominczyk) try to get him out. They fail and, shortly afterwards, receive information of Edmond’s death. So, in their grief, they console each other by getting married.

Meanwhile, Edmond spends the next 13 years in a filthy prison eating gruel, growing facial hair, and watching his clothes turn to rags. And as a special treat, once a year he gets to hang out with the warden and his little friend, the cat-o-nine-tails.

One day while re-counting the stones in his cold prison walls and considering names for each of them, a neighbor comes a-knocking on his floor. Abbe (Richard Harris), Mister-Know-It-All of the dungeon set, takes young Edmond under his grimy, tattered wing and teaches him economics, science and swordplay. Together they begin to dig their way out of prison. With their combined resources (two metal dinner plates) the escape shouldn’t take more than ten or twelve years.

However, nearing their objective, poor Abbe takes a boulder on the noggin during a tunnel cave-in, and with his dying breath, gives Edmond the map to the fabled treasure of Monte Cristo. Helped by the confusion of Abbe’s death, Edmond makes his escape. Retrieving the treasure proves simple enough. And now, rich beyond his wildest dreams, Edmond travels back to France where his nightmare began. Equipped with money, knowledge, and a heart as cold as the stone walls that once imprisoned him, Edmond plans to repay all those wonderful people responsible for his exciting adventure.

This interesting historical action film incorporates love and hate, betrayal and revenge, torture and torment, then mixes liberally with enough dirt and grime to float an anvil. The film’s retro look and feel remind me of the swashbuckling adventures I loved as a kid. The actors, mostly newcomers, deliver admirable performances. And the story, while simple and unassuming, reflects a traditional technique not seen in many years. I give it a solid “B.”

Dixie says: I couldn’t make it in prison. I need my things nearby. I could never be happy without my stair master, my thigh master and my candy master. This story exemplifies the unfairness of prison life. Until Abbe blundered in, poor Edmond possessed only a plate. Abbe, however, enjoyed all the luxuries of home: a book, a chair and a rat. Where did he get all that stuff? And from the looks of portly Abbe, prison food must be quite fattening. Who knew gruel and rats contained so much nourishment? And prison life must encourage good dental hygiene. After 13 years in prison, Edmond’s teeth looked great.

I’m not a big fan of dirt, but with beautiful scenery and bodacious Jim Caviezel sparking interesting mental images, this movie held my attention to the end. I may be old-fashioned, but I like stories that present a beginning, a middle, and an end. I give it a “B+” for “Beauty and Bodacious.”

Don & Dixie Mitchell

Don and Dixie perform stand-up comedy for a variety of clubs in Texas and Louisiana. Recently, Dixie placed in the quarter finals of Ed McMahon’s Next Big Star comedy contest. Don, a nationally published freelancer, writes comedy, poetry, and articles dealing in country themes. Don and Dixie also write comedy skits and amusing movie review articles, including “Family Fun at the Movies” at simplejoy.org.