Volume 4, Issue 3 – June, 2001

Pauline Baird Jones & Jeff Strand

Chain saw dismemberment? Elderly hit persons? Dead princesses in dire straits? Spies dropping in unexpectedly? Glue guns as weapons? Do any of these odd or gruesome things strike you as funny? No?

Well, then, you need to meet Jeff Strand and Pauline Baird Jones, writers with a comedic flare, who infuse the worst case scenario with a incurable case of “That’s really funny.” They don’t live or work together, so why did I interview them together? I guess because I was afraid to face either of them alone. Only you, the reader, can decide whether my decision was sane or mad, mad, mad. Feel free to write me c/o Crescent Blues. The staff promised to forward the feedback to nice people at the rest home.

Crescent Blues: The easiest place to start is at the beginning, I think. But then, with you two I’m not sure of anything. When did you start writing and why?

Pauline Baird Jones: In first grade, because my teacher, Miss Farnes, cried when we didn’t do what she asked us to do. I believe it was then I developed an aversion to the name “Dick.” And “Jane.” And seeing them run. I liked reading a lot more when I got to pick my own books. Eventually I started writing my own stories. My first big project was a melodrama, because the world needs more melodramas, don’t you think? I can’t remember what I called it, but I remember the villain chewed his toenails.

Jeff Strand: Forever ago, probably because it distracted me from diaper rash.

The following is a required question — one of the basic tenets of Interviewing 101. It demands an honest answer (I hope). Actually, I’m just curious. When did you make your first real sale?

Baird Jones: All my sales have been real. It’s the books that weren’t real. I contracted my first fake book in January of 1998.

Strand: When I was 23, I sold my very goofy short story “The Private Diary of Leonard Parr” to the very first issue of Twisted Magazine, which also doubled as the very last issue. My first sale where anybody besides myself went “Ooooooh!” was a story in the hardcover anthology Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, which is still available at Barnes & Noble and B. Dalton locations across the country. For you cheapskates who just want to skim it in the checkout line, I’m on pages 532-534.

It’s just to gain some sort of understanding of you as a writer. Are you married? If so, does your spouse support your obsession to write? Or do you have an obsession to write?

Baird Jones: My husband is very supportive of my writing, though my research makes him uneasy. He has a standing order for an autopsy if he dies suddenly. Since Louisiana has forced heirship (he can’t disinherit our kids), they’ve already told him not to count on them for an autopsy. Maybe the kindness of strangers…

Strand: Yes, I’m married to another writer, so she understands all those hours in front of the keyboard, and supports my obsession to write as long as I let everybody know that The Return, a young adult historical horror novel by Lynne Hansen, is currently available from Wordbeams. I don’t think of myself as an obsessive person, but by this point it’s pretty obvious that the whole writing thing is more than a phase I’m going through, like when I used to dress up in clown suits and hit people with dolphins, or when I used to shamelessly seek attention by making up stories about phases I’d gone through.

Do you have children? Pets? Do your children/pets think you are an admirable person because of your writing or in spite of it?

Baird Jones: My children are okay with it, but my cat hates my writing. It takes time away from me giving him treats. He lays on my laptop every chance he gets and when he can’t, he stares at me without winking until I crack and give him what he wants.

Pauline, I must ask a very important question here. What is the cat’s name? I won’t name your husband and kids, but cats have to be identified. It’s in their contract.

Baird Jones: [With an infectious laugh] Cat’s name is Felix.

Strand: No children or pending paternity suits, but I have a mentally questionable feline named Pandora, who actively resents my writing because I have to keep moving the stupid cat off my office chair when I want to get any work done.

A practicing proponent of unbiased journalism, Crescent Blues always tries, where possible, to give both sides of a story. In this instance of what seems to be a blatant case of “catism.” Whisper, the owner of one of our editors and an intrepid journalist in her own right, agreed to interview your felines and write a sidebar to your own interview. Are you afraid your cat will give away family secrets in its interview for the sidebar? I mean both of you had some rather derogatory things to say about Felix and Pandora, so are you afraid they will grab the chance to get even?

Baird Jones: I know Felix will, but what can I do? He knows where I sleep.

Strand: Ha! That dumb cat doesn’t pay enough attention to what’s going on in this household to reveal any family secrets.

Well, I think Pandora and Felix will answer in their own time, so let’s move on, shall we? I know both of you lived in other places in the past — places further north and with colder weather. Does your current of residence influence your writing?

Baird Jones: I think New Orleans has been a HUGE influence on my writing. How could it not when such famous authors have written here? You can almost feel the creative current as you walk the streets of the French Quarter.

Strand: Up until now, it hasn’t influenced me much. Graverobbers Wanted (No Experience Necessary) takes place in Florida, but with minor changes it could take place almost anywhere. However, my current book, Infested, is set firmly in Tampa, Fla., because I feel that if I’m going to write a novel where an entire city is overrun by killer bugs, I should be man enough to set it in my own hometown.

Whenever I speak to groups or schools, I’m always asked some of the same questions. I don’t know what difference it makes, but I will ask you as well. Where do you write? Do you have a private office? Does it have a window?

Baird Jones: I recently re-took my office, so yes, it is private now (if you don’t count the cat as another occupant). I arranged my desk so I can see out one of two windows. It overlooks the street, which is lined with old, termite-infested Oak Trees. Despite the termites, the trees are lovely. It’s a peaceful scene, and I can tell if salesmen are coming and hide.

Strand: I write in my own office at home. It has a window, but I’m far too dedicated to my craft to spend much time looking out at the birdies and this really cool lizard that’s crawling along the ledge and not responding to my taps on the glass or attempts to communicate with it in lizard-speak and probably enjoying the wonderful sunshine while I’m stuck in here doing this interview, and I think it’s time for a break.

I don’t know why I am asking this — in fact, after reading your books I’m pretty sure I don’t want to know — but your many fans need an answer to. Where do you get your ideas?

Baird Jones: You know, my husband would like to know too, but you can see why I need to keep him guessing. [Jones grins an evil grin.]

Strand: I start each writing session by shotgunning eight cans of Mountain Dew, then I run laps around my cat until I’m too dizzy to remain upright, after which I collapse in my chair, slide my fingers along the keyboard, and the ideas just flow, flow, flow.

Both of you have “interesting” plot lines and subject matter. How do you get your readers to believe such things are comedic? Do you get letters? From chain saw manufacturers? Hit person unions? House Husband Inc.? Politicians and park superintendents?

Baird Jones: The only thing a reader ever called me on was the size of my heroine’s thighs. People are dying, things are being blown up and she points out that my heroine could not possibly have thin thighs if all she does is sit around and write. And my mom said I scared her.

Strand: Elrod McBugle on the Loose and How to Rescue a Dead Princess are all-out comedies, so it’s not difficult. It’s trickier with the really dark, sicko books like Graverobbers Wanted (No Experience Necessary) and Single White Psychopath Seeks Same. Part of it is that Andrew Mayhem is a likable, goofy narrator, so readers have somebody to relate to during the ghoulishness, and the violence itself is never presented as inherently amusing. Personally, my favorite scenes are the ones that play as both funny and horrific at the same time, even if some readers only see one side. Most of my letters are from sweet old ladies who never imagined that they’d be reading a book like mine.

Have the two of you, heaven forbid, ever considered collaborating on a novel?

Baird Jones: An intriguing idea. I wonder if the world is ready for it though….

Strand: No way! Pauline is a crazy woman. She’d probably boss me around and make me worry about plot and characters and stuff like that. On the other hand, she outsells me, so this could be a good opportunity to leech off her success.

Comedic writing is very difficult, but both of you do it extremely well, witness your many awards. Do you believe awards add to your sales?

Baird Jones: I do think awards help sales, in that they bring your work to readers’ attention. That’s the toughest part of writing, IMHO, getting readers’ attention. Keeping it is the second hardest part.

Strand: Graverobbers Wanted (No Experience Necessary) won the Dream Realm Award for Best Horror Novel, Elrod McBugle on the Loose won the EPPIE Award for Best Young Adult Novel, and How to Rescue a Dead Princess was an EPPIE Finalist for Best Fantasy Novel. I don’t think there’s much of a sales boost from simply winning the awards, since the Dream Realm Awards and EPPIEs are not yet established enough that readers actively seek out the winners, but they certainly improve my ability to successfully promote the books.

This seems like a silly question but Barbara Walters doesn’t mind asking it, so who am I to quibble. If you were an animal, what animal would you be?

Baird Jones: I’d rather be a plant. They don’t have to lick butts. A cypress tree maybe, with lots of cool looking “knees.” Not sure why, I just like trees. That’s why we chose our house, it was surrounded by trees. (We later had to cut some down so they wouldn’t tip over our house, but that’s another story.)

Strand: A talking dog, because I’d have wealth beyond my wildest dreams, unless my owner screwed me over.

(Note: The two interviewees did not see each other’s answers in advance. Honest!)

You each told me what kind of animal (or tree) you would be, but now I want to know what kind of creature do you think the other half of this interview would be?

Baird Jones: I wouldn’t touch that question with a fur-covered pole. Let’s face it, I compare him to anything but the King of Beasts…” Which of course, he is. Absolutely. And I’m sure his wife would agree. King of Beasts. So I guess I touched it, didn’t I? You can leave off that first part.

Strand: The first answer that comes to mind involves a book she wrote called Pig in a Park, but that’s probably not the smartest response. She’d probably want to be a paramecium, so she could split herself whenever she felt like it and get twice as much work done (we’re assuming that a single-celled organism could still write books, but I’ve read some books that make such a theory seem very likely.)

Stephen King says he writes from his fears. What’s your greatest fear?

Baird Jones: Having one of our trees fall on our house and squish us like bugs during a hurricane. Or a rain storm.

Strand: Yogurt.

What is your favorite flavor of ice cream? Color? Flower? Book written by someone else? Authors? Time of year? Why (to all of the above?)?

Baird Jones: Chocolate mint ice cream. (Isn’t it obvious why???)

Green. (It’s a visceral thing.)

Magnolia (love the tree).

Be hard pressed to name just one book that is my favorite. I love the one I’m with. Fickle, very fickle.

Lots of favorite authors: Patricia White, Georgette Heyer, J.K. Rowling, J.R.R. Tolkien, Mary Stewart, Elizabeth Cadell, Alistair Maclean, Helen McInnes, Joan Hess, D.E. Stevenson, Mary Jo Putney, Jill Churchill, Anne George, Jeff Strand, Ann Bachman, Terry Campbell, Timothy Zahn (Star Wars Series), Tanya Huff. I know I’m forgetting some and will be toast somewhere with someone!

Strand: My favorite flavor of ice cream is Ben & Jerry’s Cherry Garcia, because it has cherries in it.

I don’t really have a favorite color, but I’ll say…orange.

Guys don’t like flowers.

My favorite book is Boy’s Life by Robert R. McCammon, because the book has everything in it, and it does almost all of it brilliantly.

My favorite authors are McCammon, Dave Barry, F. Paul Wilson, Christopher Moore, David Prill and Douglas Adams, because they’re either hilariously funny, incredibly suspenseful, fantastic storytellers or all three.

My favorite time of year is Halloween because I’m just one of those Halloween-loving weirdos.

If you happened upon a genie who granted you three wishes, what would they be? (No, telling me to vanish is not one of your options.)

Baird Jones: To write a book as wonderful as Sorcerer’s Stone. To have the books of my heart be New York Times Bestsellers and prove all the naysayers wrong.

World Peace. [Grins.] (Can you tell I’ve been watching Miss Congeniality?)

My real third wish would be to lose the thighs without having to exercise. Or that no one will be mad at me for forgetting to mention their names in this interview. Um, can I get another genie?)

Strand: Well, first I’d need to see if the genie had covered the “wishing for more wishes” loophole. If he had, then I’d look him over carefully, reading those subtle body language signals that might indicate whether or not he intended to pull some kind of freaky “Monkey’s Paw” ironic twist on anything I wished for. If that cleared, my first wish would be for mint-flavored Snapple™ iced tea to be available in my area. My second wish would be that I had set the VCR to tape Survivor the night when I missed the episode where Alicia got voted out, because that’s the only one I didn’t get to see. And I’d donate my third wish to charity, because that’s the kind of guy I am.

Do you have a day job? If so, does your employer know what you write?

Baird Jones: My day job is my writing, along with being a mom/spouse and cat caretaker. I think the cat would like me to give it up. And my family wishes I’d write under an assumed name. And make boatloads of money. Let’s just hope they don’t find that genie before I do.

Strand: I used to have a day job but I got better. My ex-employer knew what I wrote, but allowed me to interact with my co-workers anyway.

What is your honest reaction to me allowing the other person in this interview to ask you questions?

Baird Jones: Complete and total terror. Because I knew Jeff would be able to think of better questions than I would.

Strand: I can’t wait. Bring it on, Pauline! Do your worst! Show me what you’ve got! You don’t scare me!

Well, I must admit they both scare me, but I promised my editor I would let them question each other. (I wonder if anyone would notice if I just turned on the computer here and left the building with Elvis while I still can.)

Strand: Admit it, you were trying to score a product placement deal with all the Diet Dr. Pepper™ and M&M;™ references in The Last Enemy, weren’t you?

Baird Jones: Well, yes, but only because I really believe that they should both be added to the food pyramid.

(So much for leaving the building.) Pauline, could you explain what product placement is and why it’s desirable?

Baird Jones: I don’t know a lot about product placement, but I think whenever you see a product like Diet Dr. Pepper™ or Coke™ in a movie, the company that produces the product has paid to have it placed so that the brand can be seen. Since money is the lifeblood of a production, any way they can get it is a good thing for a producer. (Jeff may answer this better.)

Strand: Product placement is when a product or service appears in a film, and the studio gets something in return, like cash. The product placement craze started when sales of Reese’s Pieces™ skyrocketed after being featured in the movie E.T. Product placement can be unobtrusive (a character just happens to be drinking Snapple, a wonderful, wonderful beverage that everybody should consume), or flat-out obnoxious, like in the TV show Survivor.

[Whispering] Back to Jeff’s questions for Pauline.

Strand: Do you ever laugh out loud at what you’re writing?

Baird Jones: I tried it once and my family wanted to know what the joke was, so I just giggle maniacally now.

Jeff, what about you? Do you laugh out loud when you are writing, or do you just emit an evil chuckle now and again?

Strand: The most I ever get out of myself is a wicked grin, and that doesn’t happen very often. I’m just too close to the joke. I do kiss my reflection in the mirror and call myself brilliant, but I don’t laugh out loud while I’m doing it.

Pauline and Jeff, while we are more or less on the same subject, when you are writing or mentally plotting do you wave your arms, aim imaginary guns, shrink in terror or exhibit other forms of writerly behavior?

Baird Jones: I was shopping one day and thinking, what would my character do in a grocery store? How would she move through the store, etc. Next thing I knew, I was singing along with the store music, something I would never do (being a very uptight Wyoming-ite). So I guess the answer to this question would be, unfortunately, yes.

Strand: I do all of the above. Oh, no, wait… you said imaginary guns…

Pauline, which is the hardest to write: comedy, romance, or suspense?

Baird Jones: Yes.

I seem to be interrupting fairly often, but I have to know this. Pauline, from your succinct answer to Jeff’s questions it seems that you find all aspects of writing hard. What do you find the most difficult? Beginnings? Character development? Plot? Different things for different books?

Baird Jones: It’s easy and hard for me. It all depends. When I wrote Pig In A Park, the words just flooded out of me. The hard part was writing fast enough to get them all. I’d go to bed at night with the ends of my fingers numb from writing. Last Enemy was a fairly smooth write, too, but Do Wah Diddy and Byte Me were like giving birth. I don’t know why it was so, because I like those books, too.

I think different books challenge me in different ways. I finish one and I think, “Okay, now you know how to do it.” And then I’ll get an idea that I know will challenge me, and I want to whine and go fetal. I have to say that when I’m in the “zone,” like a runner, the pain fades and the writing is pure pleasure. But I always pay a price for getting into the zone.

Strand: What do you really think of the title changes from Pig in a Park to The Spy Who Kissed Me and I Love Luci (When I Don’t Want to Kill Her) to Do Wah Diddy…Die?

Baird Jones: I always expected to have to change Pig in a Park, but does Desilu really need to own every form of “I Love Lucy?”

Strand: Do you prefer writing in first person or third person?

Baird Jones: Each one has it challenges, so I guess I prefer the one I’m with.

Strand: Which New Orleans establishment has the best muffaletta sandwich?

Baird Jones: Ooh, that’s a loaded question. Central Grocery is where the muffaletta originated and there are those who think it’s the best, but I like the ones at Napoleon House.

Pauline, you’ve told us where to find the best, but for those of us not initiated into the wonders of New Orleans’ food, what is a “muffaletta” sandwich? How about the calorie count? The fat gram count? Or is it something that should be on every dieter’s menu?

Baird Jones: If you have to ask about carbs and calories, you should not even go near a muffaletta. Basically, its this HUGE sandwich made of every kind of deli meat, then topped with this greasy, fat laden olive dressing. Actually, if you’re on a diet, you should avoid New Orleans at all cost. Even the air has fat grams.

Strand: You once had the opportunity to meet with sensational author Jeff Strand in person, yet chose to leave town for some writing related business. Have you regretted this decision every day of your life since?

Baird Jones: Every waking moment.

Strand: If you had to choose between being a wildly successful screenwriter and a wildly successful novelist (and money wasn’t a factor), which would you choose?

Baird Jones: Novelist, because you have more control over your content.

Jeff, you asked this question of Pauline. Now I would like to ask you the same question. If you had to choose between being a wildly successful screenwriter and a wildly successful novelist (and money wasn’t a factor), which would you choose?

Strand: A novelist. Film is such a collaborative art form that when you watch a movie, you really have no idea how much credit (or blame) to give the screenwriter. You don’t know if that brilliant flatulence joke appeared in the script, or if the actor just ad-libbed it on the set, or if the caterer came up with it, what. Of course, a hit movie is seen by many, many more people than will ever touch a best selling novel, but I’d still rather be a wildly successful novelist.

Pauline, have you ever considered writing something in just ONE genre, to make it more easily marketable?

Baird Jones: Yes, but every time I try to write a straight romance, someone dies, and I find I’m writing suspense again.

Strand: If you get bored with your movie deal, can I have it? Why or why not?

Baird Jones: Yes, because I’ve read your books and, well, we’re friends, right? [Smiles.]

Pauline, Jeff wants your movie deal, and you agreed to give it to him when you no longer want it. Would you mind telling him (and us) what goes with it? Not just the joys, but the every day wait, work, hurry, and all else. When will the movie be released? Who is starring as Luci? Did you write the screenplay? How many rewrites have been done?

Baird Jones: Yes, I wrote the screenplay, and then I rewrote it and rewrote it and rewrote it. The hardest part was getting rid of so many characters. That’s mostly what goes with a movie deal for a writer: rewriting until you no longer recognize your story. Mostly it’s hurry and rewrite this and then wait. Long waits. In fact, I’m still waiting.

The production was poised to go forward and had some talent attached, but some of the financing fell through so we’re completely in the “wait” zone. I have no release date, since we haven’t started filming yet. Writers aren’t that involved in the production unless you manage to get attached to produce, but I had hoped to be able to watch some of the filming, since it would have been onsite here in New Orleans. If they ever do get it together, I plan to post a film diary on my website. If I’m still here. [Grins wickedly.]

Now it’s Pauline’s turn to question Jeff.

Baird Jones: In Graverobbers Wanted (No Experience Necessary), Andrew Mayhem searches for five life-saving quarters, but only finds four. So where was that last quarter anyway?

Strand: Unlike some authors who know things like what their characters ate for breakfast even if there’s no breakfast-eating scene in the book, I figure that if my lead character only finds four of the quarters, I don’t need to waste precious brain cells deciding where the fifth one was hidden. (To you readers unfamiliar with the book, it should be pointed out that these quarters are attached to human body parts as part of a moderately sick little game.) But, what the heck? It was in the tailpipe.

Baird Jones: I got a chuckle out of Elrod, in Elrod McBugle on the Loose, talking about the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other. Since my exposure to the angel/devil on my shoulder motif came from cartoons, I wondered if you watched cartoons as a child, what was your favorite, and which cartoon do you think has influenced your writing the most?

Strand: I watched a LOT of cartoons as a child, believe me. That’s what Saturdays were for. My favorite changed from year to year, but for the purpose of giving an actual answer I’ll say Mighty Mouse™. I don’t think cartoons necessarily influenced my writing much, but I wish The Simpsons would rub off so I could write social satire that brilliantly.

Baird Jones: I’ve read books and seen movies where I asked myself, why didn’t I think of that? But I just have to ask, how did you come up with the idea of rescuing a dead princess in How to Rescue a Dead Princess? I’d never have thought of that in a million years.

Strand: Actually, that plot device came from a very early, never-completed incarnation of the novel that I started in high school. I was just writing along, having no clue where things were headed, when all of a sudden I decided to kill the princess (though I can no longer remember the details of her tragic fate). The book didn’t make it much further beyond that event, but the idea stuck, and a few years later I decided to use it as the main plot point in a novel.

Originally I wanted to keep it secret, as a completely unexpected plot twist, but when my agent at the time made me change the title from Pointless Quest, I came up with several alternates and How to Rescue a Dead Princess was easily the best one. After my agent and I parted ways, I decided that it was still a better title than the original, even though it spoiled the surprise.

Baird Jones: You have a hilarious short story in the collection Merry Musings called “Howard the Tenth Reindeer.” Do you have any other short stories coming out any time soon? Is it a writing form that you enjoy or just a random anomaly?

Strand: “Howard the Tenth Reindeer” and “Wasting Grandpa” (from Scratching the Surface) will soon be available individually from Wordbeams as part of their upcoming Wordbeamettes line of short fiction. I’ll also have a mini-collection of five short-short stories called Ghoulish Delights, Volume One in that line, but since short stories for me are just a random anomaly, I don’t know if I’ll do Volume Two.

Baird Jones: We “met” when I reviewed a screenplay you wrote on Zoetrope.com. I have to ask, why isn’t Hollywood beating a path to your door?

Strand: Because Hollywood is dumb.

Baird Jones: I read the biography on your Web site (yes, all of it!) and was most interested to read you met your wife through e-mail. Did she read Single White Psychopath Seeks Same before saying “I do?”

Strand: Actually, she still hasn’t read it! “Princess Janice” in How to Rescue a Dead Princess was named after her as a joke, but at the time I never expected that she’d become my girlfriend, much less my wife. It seems kind of sick now, I guess. I would like to assure everybody that while it was an Internet romance, it began on a legitimate message board, and there was never any chance that she would turn out to be some smelly 450-pound guy living in his parents’ bedroom.

Baird Jones: Comedy is one of the toughest genres to write. Any tips, hints, etc., for aspiring comedy writers?

Strand: Yes, they should visit Jeff Strand’s Seriously Whacked Home and study how he handles the delicate nuances of humor. However, the Web site alone can only teach aspiring comedy writers so much, so they should quickly buy copies of all of his books as well. They can read them if they’re so inclined, but the act of purchasing should really be sufficient for the material to soak in, and they’ll be well on their way to a productive career in writing humor.

Baird Jones: Will Andrew Mayhem continue to be afflicted in further adventures?

Strand: By golly, he will! Watch for Casket For Sale, Only Used Once, coming in 2002 to a Wordbeams Web site near you!

They seem to be at the end of their questions for each other, but I have more for each of them. I’ll start with Pauline for this one. I heard, actually he posted it on a list we are both on, that Jeff had all four of his wisdom teeth extracted just recently. Do you thing this will have any adverse influence on Jeff’s wisdom?

Baird Jones: As for Jeff, I suspect it will stabilize his wisdom. Or clear the way for wisdom to flow into him. I mean, we know something was going on when he ran for President of EPIC (the Electronically Published Internet Connection, a non-profit group dedicated to the interests of electronically published authors).

This provides a great segue into my next question. I know you are both electronically published, so what is your honest opinion of the future of that publishing format? What made you chose epublishing in the beginning? Would you do it again?

Baird Jones: I honestly believe that it will take off. Let’s face it, we’re a “take the easy route” society. Ebooks will eventually be more convenient, as well as light and portable. I do think they will be integrated into our computers, not dedicated readers, though I love my Rocket eBook Reader and hate when I have to read a paper book anymore. I don’t think its going to happen as fast as I’d hoped, mostly because the technology people and the people who produce the books are still far apart. And the readers are still too expensive.

As for why I went into epublishing, it was because I couldn’t get New York publishing to take me on. I got wonderful rejections. They liked my writing, but felt the stories I liked to write wouldn’t resonate with readers. Yes, I’d do it again in a heartbeat. Epublishing opened doors for me that had been very firmly closed.

Strand: I think electronic publishing has an excellent future…it’s the present that isn’t all that wonderful! But sales will increase, more people will see it as “real” publishing, and it won’t be long before those portable reading devices are finally cheap enough that somebody besides technogeeks and other electronically published authors want to buy them! I chose this format in the beginning because the print publishers kept telling me: “We love this, but it doesn’t fit our list.” I finally decided that the print prospects for something like How to Rescue a Dead Princess were pretty close to non-existent. Yes, I would do it again, definitely.

Jeff, given what you have just said, can you look into your crystal ball and tell us where your career as a writer will be in five years? Ten?

Strand: More books. Better books. Longer books. Higher sales. Movie deals. Groupies galore. And a really cool computer adventure game based on the Andrew Mayhem series.

Well since Jeff is going to do so well, perhaps we should get to the serious questions, the ones dealing with the art and the craft of writing. Pauline and Jeff, what are your writing days like? Do you work regular hours?

Baird Jones: I try to work regular hours, but since I work at home sometimes I get hounded by the phone or the demands of being a mom. My son is an independent scholar, so there are a lot of distractions. But generally, I read my email in the morning, then get down to it at nine. If the writing is going well, I write and don’t answer the phone — unless it’s my mom calling. If it’s not, I play Solitaire or do Shockwave^™ jigsaw puzzles. If it’s going really badly, I go to a movie.

Strand: I get up around 6:30 a.m., stagger into my office, then read and reply to my e-mail. Then I shower, take care of various personal hygiene responsibilities, and head back into my office clean, fresh and sparkling. Then I’ll spend the day writing, promoting, answering delightful interview questions, handling EPIC business, and various other writing-related tasks. I take lots of breaks, which either involve a quick walk around the block or goofing around on the Internet. I usually quit around 4:30 or 5:00 p.m. Most of the time I’ll write in the evenings and on weekends, but it’s optional.

I’ve heard many aspiring authors say they only write when their muse inspires them. Do you write from inspiration or perspiration?

Baird Jones: Both. Sometimes I slog forward and to tell the truth, when I go back to edit, the inspiration writing and the perspiration writing aren’t that far apart. I “feel” my way through a book, so I have to stop a lot, pace around and brainstorm when I get stuck. And sometimes I have to stop and research a detail or a fact, to make sure I’m not doing something that isn’t legitimate. Or at least within shouting distance of legitimate.

Strand: After years of writing, I’ve discovered that lack of inspiration is really just me being a lazy bum who doesn’t feel like sitting his bony butt down and writing. I’ve never had writer’s block. That doesn’t mean I won’t spend hours bashing my head against the monitor trying to work out a particularly tricky plot point, but the total absence of ability to write is just laziness and easy to overcome with some brutal self-discipline.

I know several writers who refuse to write on any of the newfangled things like typewriters and computers. I’ve found that a word processing program has relieved me of a good deal of worry about having to retype something, thus giving me the freedom to write knowing all mistakes are easily corrected. How do both of you feel about this? Do you use a word processor? Has it influenced your writing in any way — as opposed to writing on a typewriter or by hand?

Baird Jones: I work on a laptop and yes, it has made me a lot faster. When I first started transitioning to a word processor from pen and paper, I’d have to start out on paper and then switch when I got the flow going, but now I can hardly write with a pen and paper.

Strand: I haven’t touched a typewriter in years, and I’ve virtually lost my ability to write by hand. Everything I do, including story notes, is on my word processor. I even use a screenwriting program instead of formatting it myself. I don’t think it has influenced my writing in any way, except maybe that I’m able to do more of it.

The advice from instructors and/or writing professionals seems to be divided on this, so what’s your method of arriving at a final product (a rough draft of a work)? Do you use a plot outline? Or do you just start writing and chortle when something wonderful appears on the paper or screen?

Baird Jones: I wing it. I’ve tried to plot, but it sucks the creativity out of my work. When I’m done plotting, I’m sick of the story. I do stop and do plot checks as I go along to make sure that the story is building the way it should. But I’m strictly a seat of the pants, plot-as-I-go writer.

Strand: Since I’m pretty much incapable of sticking to an outline, I usually won’t do more than type up a list of notes. I try to have an ending in mind, so I don’t get completely off track, but experience has shown that if I write out a 30 chapter outline, by chapter three I’ll have come up with a ridiculous plot twist that forces me to change most of what I’d planned for the remaining 27, so it’s best not to waste my time by outlining more than a chapter or two ahead.

Most writers I know can’t envision a future that doesn’t include writing in some form. Are you any different? If you could no longer write, what other profession would you enjoy? Why?

Baird Jones: If I couldn’t write, I’d want to be dead. I can’t imagine myself doing anything else. My imagination isn’t that good.

Strand: I’d either be in advertising or computer game design…although I guess my interest in both of those would be from a writing standpoint, so that answer doesn’t count. If we remove the issue of talent from the question, I’d probably want to be an animator.

Jeff, if you receive a film contract for the Mayhem series, who do you think should have the starring role? Do you have a brand of chain saw in mind for product placement as well? Pauline, if The Spy Who Kissed Me (the excellent book formerly known as Pig in a Park) receives a contract, what couple do you see as the kisser and the kissee?

Strand: The name I’ve heard suggested most often is Bruce Campbell, who is one of my favorite actors and would make a fantastic Andrew Mayhem. But I think the best actor for the role would be Billy Crudup, who was the “guitarist with mystique” in Almost Famous. I’d also cast Owen Wilson as Andrew’s best friend Roger. Since the chain saw doesn’t appear until the second book in the series, it’s far too early to start worrying about things like brand names.

Baird Jones: Well, I’ll confess I modeled Kelvin Kapone on Lee Stetson of Scarecrow and Mrs. King, and I’d still like to see Bruce Boxleitner in the part. Of course, if he waits too much longer to contact me, he’ll be too old to play the part. For Stan, I can see Meg Ryan or Sandra Bullock. Or Melissa Gilbert, bet Bruce would like to do a movie with his wife. [Grins.]

The field of play is constantly changing, so much so that beginning writers seem adrift in a sea of rejection from publishers and agents and contradictory counsel from teachers and books. As a professional who has achieved some degree of writing success, what honest advice would you give an aspiring author?

Baird Jones: It’s a tough business, pace yourself and don’t give up.

Strand: Don’t let joining writer’s groups, participating on listservs, attending conferences, talking in chat rooms, reading writing-related books, and visiting writing-related Web sites take the place of actual writing. Those things are all extremely helpful, but remember that the most important thing you can do is sit down and write books.

You have both been very honest and helpful, so I’ll let you each have a final word. Is there anything more that you would like to tell your reading public? Any private crusade? Cause you espouse? Things you’d like to see happen in the publishing world (both paper and electronic)?

Baird Jones: I’ll be involved in the literacy book signing at Romance Writers of America National Conference here in New Orleans in July. Because I love reading so much myself, I can’t imagine not helping others learn to read. I’m excited by the future of publishing. I see a rare opportunity for writers take back some of the control over their work and the chance for greater variety in the books available for readers.

Strand: I used to have private crusades and espoused causes, but they started taking too much time away from playing around on the Internet so I got rid of them.

Patricia Lucas White

Patricia Lucas White’s latest historical novel, To Last a Lifetime, was an Eppie finalist for 2003. To Last a Lifetime and two of her fantasy romances, the Sapphire Award-winning A Wizard Scorned and The Godmother Sanction, can be ordered through Hard Shell Word Factory. Her recent contemporary, PS, I’ve Taken a Lover, is available from Lionhearted Books.

To learn more about Pauline Baird Jones, visit The Perils of Pauline.

To learn more about Jeff Strand, visit Gleefully Macabre.