Heartbreakers: Cheesecake Scam Falls Flat

Rated PG-13

When Vinnie (Ray Liotta) takes Angela for his lawfully wedded bride, he expects something different on his wedding night, and he gets it. Nothing. Nadda. The big zippo. Angela falls asleep during foreplay, then fakes an illness for several days to avoid the marriage consummation ritual.

Meanwhile, Vinnie becomes so sexually frustrated, he makes a pass at Wendy, his beautiful and willing young secretary. But before the pass can be consummated, in walks Angela. She catches him red handed with his zipper down and his vulnerability exposed. The divorce costs Vinnie dearly.

Having accomplished their main objective, mother and daughter scam artists Angela — a.k.a. Max Conner (Sigourney Weaver) — and Wendy — a.k.a. Page Conner (Jennifer Love Hewitt) — go about their marrying way. True pros, they scam everything from living quarters to lunch. They even scam fuel at the gas station as they go off in search of another victim. Like a pair of beautiful, sleek lionesses, they stalk their next target. William (Gene Hackman) turns out to be the ugliest, most repulsive human being on the face of the earth. But his wealth stretches well into the multi-billion dollar range. And being so old he can’t tell a headache from a nine iron, he makes the perfect target for Angela. The new scam begins.

Meanwhile, Page wants to go solo all by herself. So she runs a little side scam of her own with Jack (Jason Lee), who owns a local tavern worth a couple of million dollars.

The scams get a little sticky, and when William prematurely croaks, the girls find themselves stuck with a stiff they can’t get rid of. Things go really sour when the local police, the FBI, and the IRS get involved. Then, guns get involved when Vinnie shows up very angry and very wanting his money back. Finally, right on cue, Cupid gets involved as Page falls in love with Jack, the side scam.

The situation looks awfully grim for the Conner girls. Will they be able to scam their way out of this mess? Or will they both end up in some filthy lesbo lock-down with bad lighting?

The concept of a couple of beautiful females pulling a marriage scam showed great promise. However, all the beauty and glitter on screen couldn’t hide the feeling of something missing. Maybe the film lacked energy and enthusiasm from Hackman and Weaver. Maybe Liotta overacted.

Who knows?

Who cares? Despite the unbalanced performances of her co-stars, Jennifer (Eye Candy) Hewitt gave a great performance. She made the movie worth a C.

Dixie says: Dirty Rotten Scoundrels escape from the cheesecake factory. If I looked like either of these two beautiful women, I’d be married to an aging millionaire, too. Instead, I’m stuck with this moderately wealthy hunk who treats me like a queen and kindly lets me co-hack these reviews. Ray Liotta performed better in Hannibal with half his brain missing. I give it a C, too.

Don & Dixie Mitchell

Readers Respond

Please refrain from gaybashing in your movie reviews. In the Heartbreakers review you stated, “Or will they end up in some filthy “lesbo” lock-down with bad lighting?” Earlier, when reviewing The Mexican, your described a homosexual male character as a “homo.”

Both terms are derogatory and hateful.

You also insult lesbians by describing a jail as a “lesbo lock-down.” This phrase characterizes lesbians as criminals. And since the two main characters in Heartbreakers are beautiful straight women, the implication is they will be sexually assaulted by the lesbians in the jail.

Stop subjecting us to your homophobia.

Lynn I. Miller