Vertical Limit: Not-Quite-Perfect Snow Job

Rated PG-13

If you like spectacular scenery, beautiful sunburned faces and danger at every turn, try climbing K-2 (the second highest mountain in the world) with this bunch. But you need to climb quickly if you want to avoid the snowstorm and the snow job.

In this wonderful mountain climber’s world, where men act like real men (and so do most of the women), the main plot gets lost in the flurry of sub-zero-plots. But, if you hang on long enough, you will finally get to the bottom of it. And despite the danger of mixing metaphors, all the beautiful characters deliver wonderful lines. However, when a line gets cut, some one goes Splat!

In Vertical Limit, we learn you can’t go home again, especially if you’re lying at the base of a 26,000-foot mountain in a pile of your own broken bones. We learn you can’t trust the weather. It’s just too unpredictable. And we learn not to eat the yellow snow; it could be mixed with a bit of nitroglycerine spillage, and you wouldn’t want to blow a lunch that way.

We start out with a brother and sister who harbor serious issues over the death of their mountain climbing father. We add a wizened old sage who harbors serious issues over the death of his mountain-climbing wife. Then we throw in a wealthy executive type who harbors serious issues over the death of his mountain climbing…self. OK, sprinkle on a little snow, drop an avalanche or two, and lose a group of professional mountain climbers in a treacherous blizzard.

Now bring out the nitro-packing lunatic rescue team. And just to add a little color to this winter wonderland of snow and ice, surround everything with the Pakistani War. This gives the story a strong feeling of danger and explains the presence of all that highly explosive nitroglycerine. What a blast!

Actually, the plot, if you dare call it that, lacks structure and presents too many coincidences. Remember The Perfect Storm? You might call this movie The Perfect SnowStorm. (OK. Call it a weak moment. But I’m all better now.)

Everything notwithstanding, the dazzling views, the beautiful cast, and the non-stop action make up for the fluffy plot. If you go see it, you won’t be snow bored. I give it a “C+.”

Dixie says: All those parkas gave me a good idea about how to avoid my next bikini wax. I must be going crazy. I wasn’t afraid of heights until I saw this movie. Now, I get dizzy putting the dishes in the cupboard. Scott Glen impressed me when he dry-shaved with a dull straight razor. I’m so afraid of pain; I can’t pluck my eyebrows without a local. But I would love to be stranded on a mountaintop with Chris O’Donnell. Just thinking about it sends cold chills up and down my…parka. Maybe I’ll get that bikini wax after all. I give movie a “C” for sCenery.

Don & Dixie Mitchell

Don and Dixie perform stand-up comedy for a variety of clubs in Texas and Louisiana. Recently, Dixie placed in the quarter finals of Ed McMahon’s Next Big Star comedy contest. Don, a nationally published freelancer, writes comedy, poetry, and articles dealing in country themes. Don and Dixie also write comedy skits and amusing movie review articles, including “Family Fun at the Movies” at simplejoy.org.