Ever After: Scott a Princely Fit

Rated PG 13

Okay, I admit it… all of it. I cry at movies. I love romances with dashing heroes. I still don’t understand why the gang at Mystery Science Theater lambasted Santa Claus Versus the Martians. Oh, wait — that’s another review.

Did I cry during this movie? Yeah, okay, I cried. So it was during a fit of laughter… Does it really matter?

I went to see Ever After for one reason and one reason only — Dougray Scott. Everybody has a weakness. Mine is any male lead in a movie who can get away with tight pants, a killer accent, and soulful looks that turn my knees to Jello. If the guy’s cute enough, I’ll fork over six bucks to watch him recite from the dictionary for two hours.

The guy did not disappoint. Scott fit into those pants like you wouldn’t believe. Unfortunately, this movie’s not about him, although I’m entitled to dream. Nope, it’s about Cinderella, except this is 15th century France, where Cinderella is spelled D-a-n-i-e-l-l-e. She’s played by Drew Barrymore, who I tend to like in movies, even though I feel dirty and ashamed later on. I even liked her in Batman Forever, where the only good actors were the codpieces.

In most versions, Cinderella is a damsel in distress who spends her life scrubbing the floor with a toothbrush while wearing a potato sack. Not in this version — this Cinderella cowers before no one, except her evil stepmother, Rodmilla (which, as we all know, is a name that resigns a little girl to a future of regal bearing, perfect poise, and high levels of bitchiness). Why her? Well, Cinderella says it best (in a horrible British accent, but since mine is worse, I won’t nit-pick): “You’re the only mother I’ve ever known.”

But as usual, every time I see Drew Barrymore — even if it is in 15th century clothes — I get this mental picture of her sitting behind the wheel of my crumbling Buick Century, gnawing on Juicyfruit and blasting “Highway to Hell.”

Why Cinderella falls for the prince in this movie, I have no clue. Okay, I have a big clue, but there’s only so long a person can stand to be with the Prince Valium that they give her in “Ever After.” Scott does a lot with a hollow character who’d probably have all the fascination of a 12-hour video of mating slugs if anyone but Scott played him.

Of course, I can’t forget Angelica Houston, who I hope never becomes my stepmother. She was so evil in this movie, she left a visible layer of slime wherever she walked. The actresses who played her daughters — Megan Dodds as Marguerite and Melany Lynskey as Jacqueline — were fun to watch. And what can I say against a movie that features Leonardo Da Vinci as the fairy godmother? (All right, so he’s not the Leonardo I wanted, but still…)

Jennifer Matarese